Living Your Values Despite Difficult Emotions
What is covered in my article
- Understanding the Problem with Emotional Avoidance
- Why Traditional “Positive Thinking” Often Falls Short
- The Core Philosophy of ACT
- The Six Core Processes of ACT
- Psychological Flexibility: The Heart of Mental Health
- Working with Values Rather Than Goals
- Mindfulness and Present-Moment Awareness in ACT
- Defusion: Changing Your Relationship with Thoughts
- Common Metaphors and Exercises I Use
- When ACT Works Best
- My Experience with This Approach
- Frequently Asked Questions
In my two decades as a therapist, I’ve noticed a pattern in how people approach their emotional pain. Most clients come to me with the same fundamental goal: they want to feel better by feeling less. They want me to help them eliminate anxiety, get rid of depression, or stop having painful thoughts. This makes perfect sense—who wouldn’t want to escape emotional suffering?
But here’s what I’ve learned: the very attempt to control and eliminate difficult emotions often makes them stronger and more persistent. The more energy we put into avoiding pain, the smaller and more restricted our lives become. This realization led me to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), developed by Dr. Steven Hayes and his colleagues. ACT offers a radically different approach: instead of fighting our internal experiences, we learn to accept them while committing to actions that reflect our deepest values.
Understanding the Problem with Emotional Avoidance
Before discovering ACT, I watched countless clients exhaust themselves trying to control their inner experiences. They’d use alcohol to numb anxiety, avoid social situations to prevent rejection, or work obsessively to escape feelings of inadequacy. While these strategies might provide temporary relief, they often created bigger problems in the long run.
I started to see that the real issue wasn’t the presence of difficult emotions, thoughts, or sensations—it was the exhausting struggle against them. It’s like being caught in quicksand: the more you struggle, the deeper you sink. ACT suggests that instead of struggling against our internal experiences, we can learn to “float” with them while moving in directions that matter to us.
This concept was revolutionary for me as a therapist. Instead of helping clients reduce their symptoms, I began helping them change their relationship with those symptoms. Instead of asking “How can we make this anxiety go away?” I started asking “How can you live a meaningful life even when anxiety is present?”
Why Traditional “Positive Thinking” Often Falls Short
Many of my clients have tried positive thinking, cognitive restructuring, or other approaches that focus on changing thought content. While these can be helpful, I’ve often seen people get frustrated when they can’t consistently maintain positive thoughts or when negative thoughts return despite their best efforts.
ACT takes a different approach. Rather than trying to change what we think, ACT focuses on changing how we relate to our thoughts. Instead of seeing thoughts as facts that must be believed or problems that must be solved, we learn to see them as mental events that come and go—sometimes helpful, sometimes not, but not necessarily requiring our immediate attention or reaction.
This shift has profound implications. A client might go from “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure, and this thought is devastating and must be eliminated” to “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure, and that’s just something my mind does sometimes when I’m stressed.” The thought hasn’t changed, but the relationship to it has transformed completely.
The Core Philosophy of ACT
ACT is based on a simple but powerful premise: suffering is a normal part of human life, and our attempts to avoid or control this suffering often create more problems than the original pain. The goal isn’t to feel good all the time—it’s to live fully and meaningfully, even when we’re experiencing difficult emotions, thoughts, or sensations.
This philosophy extends to what ACT calls “creative hopelessness.” Before we can develop a new approach to our problems, we often need to recognize that our current strategies aren’t working. I help clients examine their efforts to control their inner experiences and notice whether these efforts have actually led to the kind of life they want to live.
Once people recognize the futility of trying to control their internal world, they become open to a different possibility: accepting their experiences as they are while choosing actions based on their values rather than their feelings.
The Six Core Processes of ACT
ACT is built around six interconnected processes that work together to increase psychological flexibility. I use these processes as a roadmap in my work with clients.
Present-Moment Awareness Many people live on autopilot, caught up in worries about the future or regrets about the past. I help clients develop the ability to consciously bring their attention to the here and now, where life actually happens and where they have the power to choose their actions.
Acceptance This isn’t passive resignation or liking what’s happening. Acceptance means ceasing the struggle against internal experiences and allowing thoughts, feelings, and sensations to be present without immediately trying to change or escape them.
Cognitive Defusion Instead of getting caught up in the content of thoughts, defusion helps us step back and observe our thinking process. We learn to see thoughts as mental events rather than absolute truths that must be obeyed.
Self-as-Context This involves recognizing the observing self—the part of us that can watch our thoughts, feelings, and experiences without being defined by them. It’s the difference between “I am anxious” and “I am having anxious thoughts and feelings.”
Values Clarification Values are our chosen life directions—what we want our lives to stand for and move toward. Unlike goals, values are ongoing processes that can guide our actions regardless of how we’re feeling in the moment.
Committed Action This is where the rubber meets the road. Once we’re clear about our values, we commit to taking concrete steps in those directions, even when our minds tell us we can’t or shouldn’t, and even when we’re experiencing difficult emotions.
Psychological Flexibility: The Heart of Mental Health
If I had to sum up ACT in one concept, it would be psychological flexibility—the ability to stay present with our experience and adapt our behavior to fit the situation and our values. Psychologically flexible people can experience difficult emotions without being controlled by them, can recognize thoughts without being dominated by them, and can choose actions based on their values rather than their momentary impulses or feelings.
In my practice, I’ve seen that psychological flexibility is more predictive of mental health than the absence of difficult emotions or thoughts. People who are psychologically flexible might still experience anxiety, sadness, or self-doubt, but these experiences don’t prevent them from living meaningful lives or pursuing their goals.
Conversely, psychological inflexibility—getting stuck in rigid patterns of avoidance, control, or reaction—tends to create suffering regardless of the specific symptoms involved. Someone might have very little anxiety but be psychologically inflexible around it, leading to a restricted, fear-driven life.
Working with Values Rather Than Goals
One of the most transformative aspects of ACT is its focus on values rather than just goals. Goals are specific achievements we can complete—getting a degree, losing weight, finding a relationship. Values are ongoing directions—being a loving parent, contributing to community, pursuing learning and growth.
Goals can be helpful, but they can also become sources of suffering if we make our worth conditional on achieving them. Values, on the other hand, can be lived in any moment regardless of circumstances. Even if someone can’t achieve their goal of running a marathon due to injury, they can still live their value of physical wellness by taking a walk, eating nutritious food, or getting adequate sleep.
I often ask clients, “If you could only be remembered for one thing about how you lived your life, what would you want it to be?” This question points toward values. Then we explore how those values can guide daily choices, even in the presence of difficult emotions or challenging circumstances.
Mindfulness and Present-Moment Awareness in ACT
Mindfulness in ACT isn’t about achieving a particular state or feeling relaxed (though these might happen). It’s about developing the ability to consciously choose where to put our attention. When we’re mindful, we can notice when our minds are spinning with worry, recognize when we’re getting hooked by self-critical thoughts, and gently redirect our attention to what’s happening right now and what matters to us.
I teach clients simple mindfulness exercises—noticing five things they can see, taking three conscious breaths, or feeling their feet on the ground. These aren’t relaxation techniques (though they might be relaxing). They’re attention-training exercises that help people develop more choice about where to focus their mental energy.
Present-moment awareness also helps people recognize choice points—moments when they can decide how to respond rather than automatically reacting from habit or emotion.
Defusion: Changing Your Relationship with Thoughts
One of the most practical aspects of ACT is cognitive defusion—learning to observe our thoughts rather than automatically believing or obeying them. Our minds are incredibly good at generating thoughts, but not all thoughts are helpful or accurate.
I teach clients various defusion techniques. They might practice saying “I’m having the thought that…” before their troubling thoughts. So instead of “I’m going to fail,” they say “I’m having the thought that I’m going to fail.” This small change creates psychological distance and reduces the thought’s emotional impact.
Other defusion exercises include thanking the mind for its thoughts, singing thoughts to silly tunes, or imagining thoughts as leaves floating down a stream. These techniques aren’t meant to eliminate thoughts but to reduce their power over our behavior.
Common Metaphors and Exercises I Use
ACT is rich with metaphors that help illustrate its concepts in memorable ways.
The Passenger Bus Metaphor I often tell clients to imagine they’re driving a bus toward their values (their chosen destination). Various passengers on the bus represent difficult thoughts and feelings—anxiety, self-doubt, anger. The passengers might be loud, obnoxious, or demanding, but the driver (you) doesn’t have to let them control where the bus goes. You can acknowledge the passengers without changing course.
Quicksand Metaphor Struggling against internal experiences is like being caught in quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. The alternative is to stop struggling, spread out your weight (accept the experience), and slowly, carefully move toward solid ground (your values).
Weather Metaphor Emotions are like weather patterns—they come and go naturally. We don’t try to control the weather; we learn to dress appropriately and adjust our activities. Similarly, we can learn to respond skillfully to our emotional weather without trying to control it.
When ACT Works Best
ACT tends to be particularly effective for people who are tired of fighting their internal experiences and ready to try a different approach. It works well for anxiety disorders, depression, chronic pain, addiction, and situations where people feel stuck despite trying multiple other interventions.
I’ve found ACT especially helpful for clients who are highly self-critical or perfectionistic, those dealing with chronic conditions that can’t be “fixed,” and people who want to make significant life changes but feel blocked by fear or self-doubt.
ACT is also valuable for people who’ve had some success with other therapies but want to go deeper in developing a sustainable approach to life’s inevitable challenges.
My Experience with This Approach
What I find most compelling about ACT is its realistic view of human experience. It doesn’t promise to eliminate suffering or guarantee happiness. Instead, it offers tools for living fully in the midst of life’s inherent difficulties.
I’ve watched clients stop exhausting themselves trying to control their anxiety and instead channel that energy into meaningful activities. I’ve seen people move from being dominated by their thoughts to being guided by their values. Most importantly, I’ve witnessed individuals reclaim their lives from the tyranny of trying to feel good all the time.
ACT has also profoundly influenced my own approach to life. I’m less likely to get caught up in difficult emotions or take my thoughts too seriously. I’m more intentional about living according to my values, even when I don’t feel like it. The approach has made me both more accepting of life’s difficulties and more committed to what matters most to me.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How is ACT different from other types of therapy? A: ACT focuses on changing your relationship with difficult experiences rather than trying to eliminate them. Instead of reducing symptoms, it emphasizes increasing psychological flexibility and living according to your values regardless of how you feel.
Q: Does acceptance mean giving up or not trying to improve my situation? A: Not at all. Acceptance means stopping the exhausting fight against internal experiences so you can put your energy toward meaningful action. You can accept anxiety while still working toward your goals.
Q: What if I don’t know what my values are? A: This is common. We explore values through exercises that help you identify what you want your life to stand for, what you’d want to be remembered for, and what gives you a sense of meaning and purpose.
Q: Is ACT just about positive thinking? A: No, ACT doesn’t focus on changing thought content. Instead, it teaches you to notice thoughts without automatically believing or acting on them, whether they’re positive or negative.
Q: Can ACT help with serious mental health conditions? A: Yes, research supports ACT for various conditions including depression, anxiety disorders, chronic pain, and addiction. However, severe conditions may require medication or other treatments alongside ACT.
Q: How long does ACT typically take? A: Many people begin experiencing benefits within 8-12 sessions, though developing psychological flexibility is an ongoing process. The skills learned in ACT are meant to be life-long tools.
Q: What if my values conflict with what others expect of me? A: This is a common challenge we work through together. ACT helps you distinguish between values imposed by others and your own authentic values, while also considering how to live your values within your relationships and circumstances.
Q: Does mindfulness in ACT require meditation? A: No, while meditation can be helpful, ACT uses many brief, practical mindfulness exercises that can be done anywhere. The focus is on developing present-moment awareness in daily life.
Q: What if I try to live my values but still feel bad? A: This is normal and expected. ACT doesn’t promise you’ll feel good when living your values, but research shows that values-based living leads to greater life satisfaction over time, even when difficult emotions are present.
Q: How do I know if my therapist is using ACT approaches? A: You’ll notice focus on values clarification, exercises that help you observe rather than believe thoughts, emphasis on accepting rather than controlling emotions, and attention to taking meaningful action even when you don’t feel like it.
Q: What’s the difference between ACT and mindfulness-based therapies? A: While ACT includes mindfulness, it’s specifically focused on psychological flexibility and values-based living. Other mindfulness therapies might emphasize relaxation or symptom reduction, while ACT uses mindfulness as a tool for living more fully.
