What’s Covered in This Article
- Understanding the Role of Emotions in Our Lives
- Why Traditional Therapy Sometimes Falls Short with Emotions
- The Core Principles of EFT
- How Attachment Shapes Our Emotional Lives
- Working with Primary and Secondary Emotions
- The EFT Process: From Awareness to Transformation
- EFT for Couples: Healing Relationship Bonds
- Common Challenges and How I Address Them
- When EFT Works Best
- My Experience with This Approach
- Frequently Asked Questions
Throughout my years as a therapist, I’ve watched countless clients struggle not just with their problems, but with the emotions that come with those problems. They arrive feeling overwhelmed by anger they can’t control, sadness that won’t lift, or fear that keeps them stuck. Many have been told to “think their way out” of these feelings or to “just let go” of emotional pain. What I’ve discovered is that emotions aren’t problems to be solved—they’re signals to be understood and pathways to healing.
This realization led me to Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and Dr. Les Greenberg. EFT has transformed how I work with individuals and couples because it recognizes something fundamental: our emotions aren’t obstacles to overcome, but essential information about our deepest needs and experiences.
Understanding the Role of Emotions in Our Lives
In my practice, I’ve noticed that many people have a complicated relationship with their emotions. They’ve learned to see feelings as inconvenient, irrational, or even dangerous. Clients often tell me they want to “get rid of” their anger or “stop being so sensitive.” But emotions evolved for important reasons—they help us survive, connect with others, and navigate our world.
Emotions tell us what matters to us. Anger signals that something important is being threatened. Sadness helps us process loss and reach out for support. Fear protects us from danger. Joy connects us to what we value. When we try to shut down or ignore these signals, we often create more problems than we solve.
EFT is based on the understanding that emotions are not just reactions to events—they organize our entire experience. They influence how we see situations, how we behave, and how we relate to others. Rather than trying to control or eliminate emotions, EFT helps people access, experience, and transform them in healthy ways.
Why Traditional Therapy Sometimes Falls Short with Emotions
Before I learned about EFT, I often found myself helping clients think about their emotions rather than actually feel them. We’d analyze patterns, develop coping strategies, and work on changing thought processes. While these approaches can be helpful, I noticed that many clients remained stuck in the same emotional patterns despite gaining insights about them.
The problem was that we were working around emotions instead of with them. It’s like trying to learn to swim by reading about swimming techniques—you can understand the theory perfectly, but until you get in the water, real learning can’t happen. EFT gets us into the emotional “water” in a safe, guided way.
I’ve also observed that many therapeutic approaches inadvertently pathologize emotions. We talk about “emotional dysregulation” or “inappropriate emotional responses.” EFT takes a different stance: emotions themselves are never the problem. The problem is often that we’ve lost touch with our authentic emotional experience or learned unhealthy ways of expressing or avoiding our feelings.
The Core Principles of EFT
Emotions as Adaptive Information In EFT, I help clients understand that their emotions contain important information about their needs, values, and experiences. Even emotions that feel overwhelming or “negative” are trying to tell us something important.
The Primacy of Emotional Experience Rather than talking about emotions, EFT emphasizes actually experiencing them in the present moment. This happens in a safe, supportive environment where clients can explore feelings without judgment.
Change Through Emotional Processing Real change happens not by avoiding difficult emotions, but by moving through them. When people can access and process their authentic emotions, transformation naturally occurs.
Attachment as a Basic Need EFT recognizes that humans are fundamentally wired for connection. Many emotional difficulties stem from disrupted attachment relationships or fears about connection and abandonment.
How Attachment Shapes Our Emotional Lives
One of the most powerful aspects of EFT is its attention to attachment—our fundamental need for secure emotional bonds with others. In my work, I’ve seen how early attachment experiences shape not just our relationships, but our entire emotional landscape.
When children grow up with consistent, responsive caregiving, they develop what we call “secure attachment.” They learn that emotions are acceptable, that they can turn to others for comfort, and that relationships are generally safe and reliable. These individuals typically have easier access to their emotions and more confidence in expressing their needs.
However, when caregiving is inconsistent, overwhelming, or absent, children develop insecure attachment patterns. They might learn that emotions are dangerous, that they must be self-reliant, or that they need to constantly worry about others leaving them. These early lessons create templates that influence emotional experience throughout life.
In EFT, we don’t just explore these patterns—we work to create new emotional experiences that can heal old attachment wounds. This happens both in individual therapy and especially in couples work.
Working with Primary and Secondary Emotions
One of the most practical aspects of EFT is its distinction between primary and secondary emotions. Understanding this difference has been crucial in my work with clients.
Primary emotions are our immediate, authentic emotional responses to situations. They’re usually brief, provide clear information, and lead to healthy action. For example, feeling sad after a loss, angry when boundaries are violated, or afraid when facing real danger.
Secondary emotions are reactions to our primary emotions. They’re often what we feel about feeling something else. For instance, someone might feel angry about being sad (seeing sadness as weakness), or anxious about being angry (fearing they’ll hurt someone).
In my experience, clients often get stuck in secondary emotions. They come to therapy saying they’re “always angry” when underneath that anger might be hurt, fear, or sadness. The anger isn’t wrong, but it’s covering up the more vulnerable feelings that actually need attention.
Let me share an example. David came to therapy because his wife was threatening to leave him over his “anger problems.” As we worked together, we discovered that his anger usually flared up when he felt disconnected from his wife or when he perceived criticism. Underneath the anger was deep sadness and fear of abandonment. Once David could access and express these primary emotions, his secondary anger naturally decreased, and his wife could respond with compassion rather than defensiveness.
The EFT Process: From Awareness to Transformation
EFT follows a general process that moves from emotional awareness to transformation, though it’s not always linear.
Accessing Emotions Many clients have learned to disconnect from their emotional experience. We start by helping them notice what they’re feeling in their body, in the present moment. This might involve paying attention to physical sensations, breathing patterns, or subtle shifts in mood.
Allowing and Experiencing Once clients can identify emotions, we work on allowing them to be present without immediately trying to change or fix them. This can be challenging for people who’ve learned to control or avoid feelings.
Expressing Emotions In a safe therapeutic environment, clients learn to give voice to their emotions. This might involve speaking directly to feelings, expressing needs that emotions reveal, or simply allowing tears, anger, or joy to be present.
Exploring the Message Every emotion carries information. We explore what feelings are trying to communicate about needs, values, boundaries, or longings. This helps clients understand their emotional experience rather than just endure it.
Transforming and Integrating As clients develop a healthier relationship with their emotions, natural transformation occurs. They become more emotionally flexible, better able to access different feelings as situations warrant, and more confident in using emotional information to guide their choices.
EFT for Couples: Healing Relationship Bonds
While EFT is powerful for individuals, I’ve found it particularly transformative for couples. Most relationship problems aren’t really about the surface issues couples fight about—money, sex, parenting, household responsibilities. They’re about underlying emotional patterns and attachment fears.
In couples EFT, I help partners understand the emotional cycle that keeps them stuck. Usually, one partner pursues (seeking connection and reassurance) while the other withdraws (seeking space and autonomy). Both responses make sense, but they create a cycle where both people end up feeling disconnected and misunderstood.
The pursuer’s primary emotion might be sadness or fear of abandonment, but it gets expressed as criticism or demands. The withdrawer’s primary emotion might be feeling overwhelmed or inadequate, but it gets expressed as shutting down or defensiveness. When couples can access and share their primary emotions, they often discover they both want the same thing: a secure, loving connection.
I remember working with Sarah and Mike, who came to therapy on the verge of divorce. Their pattern involved Sarah pursuing Mike with criticism and complaints, while Mike withdrew into work and silence. Through EFT, Sarah discovered that under her anger was deep loneliness and fear that Mike didn’t care about her. Mike realized that under his withdrawal was shame about never feeling good enough and terror of Sarah’s disappointment.
When Sarah could express her loneliness and need for connection, Mike felt moved to comfort her rather than criticized. When Mike could share his fears and feelings of inadequacy, Sarah felt protective of him rather than angry. Their entire dynamic shifted as they learned to share primary emotions instead of getting stuck in secondary reactions.
Common Challenges and How I Address Them
Fear of Emotions Many clients are afraid that if they really let themselves feel, they’ll be overwhelmed or lose control. I help them understand that emotions, while intense, are temporary and that they can learn to ride emotional waves rather than being swept away by them.
Cultural or Family Messages About Emotions Some clients come from backgrounds where emotions were seen as weakness, self-indulgence, or dangerous. We work on understanding these messages while exploring what authentic emotional expression might look like for them.
Difficulty Accessing Feelings Some people have become so disconnected from emotions that they genuinely don’t know what they’re feeling. We start with physical sensations and small emotional moments, gradually building emotional awareness and vocabulary.
Fear of Vulnerability Sharing primary emotions often requires vulnerability, which can feel terrifying. I work on creating safety in the therapeutic relationship and helping clients understand that vulnerability in appropriate relationships is a source of strength, not weakness.
When EFT Works Best
EFT tends to be most effective when clients are ready to engage with their emotional experience rather than just understand it intellectually. It works well for people dealing with relationship issues, depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief—all situations where emotions play a central role.
For couples, EFT is particularly effective when both partners are committed to the relationship and willing to look at their own emotional patterns. It’s less effective when there’s active addiction, ongoing affairs, or domestic violence that needs to be addressed first.
I’ve found that EFT requires a certain readiness to be vulnerable and to sit with difficult emotions. Some clients need other approaches first to develop enough stability and coping skills before diving into deep emotional work.
My Experience with This Approach
What I love most about EFT is how it honors the full range of human emotional experience. Instead of trying to help people feel better by feeling less, it helps them feel better by feeling more authentically. There’s something profoundly healing about being truly seen and accepted in all of our emotional complexity.
I’ve watched clients who’ve spent years trying to manage or control their emotions discover that their feelings were never the enemy. I’ve seen couples on the brink of divorce rediscover their love when they could share their deepest fears and longings. I’ve witnessed individuals who felt broken or damaged recognize their emotions as signals of their deepest humanity.
EFT has also changed how I approach my own emotional life. I’m more curious about my feelings, less judgmental of difficult emotions, and more confident in using emotional information to guide my decisions and relationships.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How is EFT different from other types of therapy? A: EFT focuses specifically on accessing, experiencing, and transforming emotions rather than just talking about them. It emphasizes the healing power of emotional connection and views emotions as adaptive information rather than problems to solve.
Q: Is EFT just about expressing emotions more? A: Not exactly. It’s about accessing authentic primary emotions rather than getting stuck in secondary emotional reactions. Sometimes this means expressing more, sometimes it means expressing differently, and sometimes it means learning to tolerate emotions without immediately acting on them.
Q: What if I’m not good at identifying or expressing emotions? A: This is very common and something we work on together. We start by noticing physical sensations and small emotional shifts, gradually building emotional awareness and vocabulary. No special emotional skills are required to begin.
Q: Can EFT help with anxiety and depression? A: Yes. EFT views anxiety and depression as often involving disconnection from authentic emotional experience. By helping people access and process underlying emotions, symptoms often naturally improve.
Q: How long does EFT typically take? A: For individuals, meaningful change often begins within 8-12 sessions, though deeper work may take longer. For couples, research shows that most couples see significant improvement within 10-20 sessions.
Q: What if my partner won’t come to couples EFT? A: Individual EFT can still be very helpful for changing your part of relationship patterns. Sometimes when one partner begins expressing emotions more authentically, it naturally shifts the entire dynamic.
Q: Is EFT appropriate for trauma survivors? A: Yes, but it requires careful attention to safety and pacing. EFT can be very healing for trauma, but traumatized individuals may need other stabilizing approaches first or EFT integrated with trauma-specific techniques.
Q: What if I come from a family or culture where emotional expression isn’t valued? A: EFT respects cultural differences in emotional expression. The goal isn’t to change your cultural values but to help you access authentic emotions in ways that work within your context and relationships.
Q: How do I know if my therapist is using EFT approaches? A: You’ll notice focus on present-moment emotional experience, attention to physical sensations, exploration of what emotions are communicating, and emphasis on the connection between emotions and relationships.
Q: What’s the difference between EFT for individuals and EFT for couples? A: Individual EFT focuses on personal emotional processing and attachment patterns, while couples EFT specifically addresses the emotional cycles and attachment injuries that occur between partners. Both use similar principles but different techniques.
Q: What if I’m afraid of being too emotional or losing control? A: This fear is very common and something we address directly. EFT teaches emotional regulation skills alongside emotional accessing, helping you learn to experience feelings safely without being overwhelmed by them.
